It Doesn't Matter What You Think

I have a lot of thoughts about Aziz Ansari. I have a lot of thoughts about Grace, too.

But mostly I have thoughts about what consent means, or should mean.

(If you're not sure what I'm talking about, allegedly feminist comedian Aziz Ansari and 22 year old Grace - not her real name- went on a date a while back. Grace feels he assaulted her {Her account, painful to read, is here} and he has apologized for misreading her signals.)

My first thought, when I saw the article linked on Twitter, was, "Not Aziz, dammit!"

But I read the article anyway, because of course I did.

It made me sad.

When I was Grace's age (and younger), it was sort of a given that a guy would always be trying to push past whatever boundaries you had in place. And it was the girl's job to repeatedly say no, or move the hand away, or whatnot. And if it got really annoying, you left. (And if he didn't let you leave, or ignored your no, then maybe it was assault but also what were you doing in his room in the first place?)

By those standards, this story is not one of assault.

I keep reading comments about how she didn't leave, how she didn't repeatedly say no, so of course it wasn't assault.

And I'm inclined to agree, given my own experiences and my realization that while it sounds like Aziz is both clumsy and gross, he is not Harvey Weinstein.

And yet.

If we define consent as not actively saying no, Brock Turner is not a rapist. And Brock Turner is definitely a bigger rapist than Aziz Ansari.

If we define consent as not leaving immediately, we blame every person afraid to run out of their boss' or potential employer's office.

Grace seems baffled that Aziz Ansari misunderstood her non-verbal cues and lack of affirmative consent. I find this heartening in one way - it makes me think that when Grace has hooked up with her male peers, they have respected non-verbal cues and looked for affirmative consent.

Aziz is something like 15 years older than Grace so it's entirely possible he missed the affirmative consent movement during his college years. It's also entirely possible that as an Emmy winning TV star in his late 30s, he presumes the consent of every young woman who agrees to go out with him. If #MeToo has taught us anything, it's taught us that powerful men often assume consent from all the less powerful women in their orbit. 

Grace's shock and inability to advocate for herself in the moment will feel familiar to anyone who has been assaulted. And yet those of us who grew up in places and times where no had to be explicit, repeated and occasionally accompanied by running out the door, it's hard to understand why Grace felt so violated by Aziz's creepiness. 

Consent should never be implied, nor should it rely on anyone to yell no. In an ideal world, partners would be attuned to and invested in their lovers' non-verbal cues every single time. But we don't live in an ideal world, so when we talk to our kids about consent, we need to talk about what happens when they find themselves with a creep. 

Because of this story and my own experiences as a heterosexual woman, I know I'm looking at consent through a certain lense. But affirmative consent and strong self-advocacy are important for kids of all genders and sexualities. 

In the end, it doesn't really matter what you or I think of Grace, Aziz and their horrible date. What does matter is working to prevent dates like that and worse.