The Cover Letters I'd Like To Send

Dear person-with-the-power-to-hire me,

Sorry I couldn't find your name, but your company's website is cagey about personnel information and I hate the phone. I would like the job of CEO, but I'll settle for that one for which I'm qualified. If you look at my resume, you should be able to figure out my skill set. I don't think you need me to write out all of the skills I used at my previous jobs and tell you that I'm great at all of them. I could be a lying sociopath, you wouldn't be able to tell from my cover letter. If my resume matches the job qualifications, you should contact me for an interview. Hopefully you'll be able to discern whether I'm full of shit or not.

Looking forward to hearing from you,
Triplezmom


Dear Computer Looking For Keyword Phrases,

organized professional communication skills detail-oriented team player enthusiastic experience wizard talented dedicated hard working manager people skills friendly problem solver fucking awesome low salary expectations

You're my favorite algorithm,
TripleZmom

Dear Applicant Sorter,

Sure it looks like I haven't had a real job for nearly 7 years, but trying to write and care for small children comes with its own skill set. Plus, I would have never submitted if I didn't think I could handle the job so will you please just ask your boss to look at my resume?

Thanks,
TripleZmom

Dear Editor-type-person,

I have attached my writing samples. You will either like them or you won't and whatever I say in this cover letter shouldn't make a difference. By the way, though, your ad has two typos and one grammatical mistake.

Have a nice day,
TripleZmom