Douchebag Patrol: Halloween Edition

How can you avoid looking like a douchebag this Halloween? Ask yourself these questions before getting ready:

• Am I putting on makeup to darken my skin? 

Then yes, you look like a douchebag. In fact, not only do you look like a douchebag, you look like a racist douchebag. You can portray someone of another race if you'd like to honor that person, but using makeup to darken your skin seems like you're putting on blackface. Which has horrible, racist overtones that haven't disappeared just because our President happens to be African-American. 

• Am I portraying someone who has killed teens or children recently? 

Then yes, you look like a douchebag. If you think George Zimmerman is a "funny" costume, why don't you dress up as the guy who killed all the kids in Sandy Hook - still funny? 

• Does the label on the costume have the word "sexy" in front of it? 

Then yes, you look like a douchebag. Look, it's great that you want to be sexy. But can you seriously not think of anything sexy on your own? Or find a costume that is already sexy, like slave Leia or something? Nurses, for example, have to deal with enough crap without Halloween costumes that fetishize their professions. 

• Is my child doing any of the things mentioned above? 

Then yes, you look like a douchebag. In fairness, though, you probably ARE a douchebag, so don't worry about it. 

And speaking of douchebags. . . .