Today I am 42. I've been obsessed with the idea of being 42 for months. I haven't been sure why, as I'm not a huge fan of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
But it hit me last week. 42 is the double of 21. Which means I've been drinking legally for half my life. When you add in the 7 years I spent drinking illegally, you could say I've been drinking for two thirds of my life. Even though I've totally slacked off in the past nine years.
Er, I mean, I totally quit drinking each time I was pregnant. As you do. But even as I excitedly re-introduced alcohol into my life after each birth, I became a little less enamored with it. Drinking makes me (more?) self-involved and loud, neither of which are excellent parenting traits. Plus, hangovers.
If I had always gotten hangovers like I do EVERY SINGLE TIME I drink now, I never would have spent my twenties and early thirties in all those bars. But since I did, and technically it's Teaching Tuesday, I do have some drinking advice. . .
1. Dancing on tables is fun. But not if you are wearing a skirt. And if you are too drunk to remember what you are wearing, it's time to go home.
2. Shots are the devil. Sure, they may look nice and fruity. They may have been bought and/or made by your dearest friends in the world. But they will fuck you up.
3. Absolutely nothing that you believe to be true about yourself when you are drunk - whether positive or negative - is really true. You are not the funnier than the stand up comedian, you are not a better dancer than everyone else there and you are not going to die alone, eaten by your cats.
4. It's fine to let strangers buy you a drink - if you can watch it being made by a bartender. It's not fine to let strangers, acquaintances or that guy from work bring you a drink. People are shady, and roofies really don't have any taste.
5. No one ever looks as hot in the morning.
6. Don't drink on an empty stomach. Sure, it sounds like a good idea - fewer calories, the booze hits you sooner - but if you miscalculate and wind up puke your guts out drunk? You'll wind up dry heaving. Ugh.
7. Puking the night before and then sleeping for 12 hours only seems to help the hangovers of those under 40. Just FYI.
8. If you are hoping to make new friends or meet someone with whom you want to have an actual relationship, getting drunk is not the way to do it. Getting drunk is for bonding with the people you already know.
9. Flashing and/or mooning people seems funny until one of them takes out a cell phone.
Er, I mean, I totally quit drinking each time I was pregnant. As you do. But even as I excitedly re-introduced alcohol into my life after each birth, I became a little less enamored with it. Drinking makes me (more?) self-involved and loud, neither of which are excellent parenting traits. Plus, hangovers.
If I had always gotten hangovers like I do EVERY SINGLE TIME I drink now, I never would have spent my twenties and early thirties in all those bars. But since I did, and technically it's Teaching Tuesday, I do have some drinking advice. . .
1. Dancing on tables is fun. But not if you are wearing a skirt. And if you are too drunk to remember what you are wearing, it's time to go home.
2. Shots are the devil. Sure, they may look nice and fruity. They may have been bought and/or made by your dearest friends in the world. But they will fuck you up.
3. Absolutely nothing that you believe to be true about yourself when you are drunk - whether positive or negative - is really true. You are not the funnier than the stand up comedian, you are not a better dancer than everyone else there and you are not going to die alone, eaten by your cats.
4. It's fine to let strangers buy you a drink - if you can watch it being made by a bartender. It's not fine to let strangers, acquaintances or that guy from work bring you a drink. People are shady, and roofies really don't have any taste.
5. No one ever looks as hot in the morning.
6. Don't drink on an empty stomach. Sure, it sounds like a good idea - fewer calories, the booze hits you sooner - but if you miscalculate and wind up puke your guts out drunk? You'll wind up dry heaving. Ugh.
7. Puking the night before and then sleeping for 12 hours only seems to help the hangovers of those under 40. Just FYI.
8. If you are hoping to make new friends or meet someone with whom you want to have an actual relationship, getting drunk is not the way to do it. Getting drunk is for bonding with the people you already know.
9. Flashing and/or mooning people seems funny until one of them takes out a cell phone.
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