My Take on the Oscars: Inspired by Rush Limbaugh

So I only saw one of the Oscar-nominated movies this year (Les Miserables), which means I probably have no right to talk about the Oscars at all. Also, I think Tina Fey and Amy Poehler should host everything everywhere, including any parties I ever have*. So I'm totally prejudiced and uninformed, but I'm going to share my thoughts with you anyway. I can be the Rush Limbaugh of pop culture mom bloggers!

The Red Carpet:

Much as I love to see the  stars dressed up like Barbie and Ken dolls, I hate the inane chatter that occurs on the carpet. I would much rather see Kathy Griffin and Joan Rivers interview the stars about what they are wearing. And ABC, why the hell are you having fillers during the red carpet? If I wanted to see random normals holding an Oscar, I'd host an Oscar party. Give me stars on the red carpet or give me death!

Reese Witherspoon, I  love your hair but the dress is meh. I like dresses where boobs like like proper boobs, which is why Anne Hathaway's dress was also a fail for me. Melissa McCarthy, your dress is cool but your hair is meh.  Jennifer Lawrence, you look gorgeous. You too, Jennifer Hudson. Amy Adams, I think you've lost too much weight. Naomi Watts, I don't like your dress cut out, which probably means it's super-fashionable. But otherwise, you look fabulous. Jennifer Garner, your dress is a little boring but I do love the color and your necklace so I'll get over it.

Seth MacFarlane:

I happen to like Seth. I don't think he hates women - I think he hates everybody. And I'm okay with that. Maybe it's just in my nature to cheer for embittered musical theater geeks, but I think he did an admirable job with a gig that is pretty much doomed to failure. Hosting the Oscars can never go well, because they're going to put lots of stupid shit in there and hokey jokes. Though I do blame Seth for the stupid "Boobs" song, getting to see Charlize and Channing Tatum dance almost makes up for it. They should dance together more often. The thing that really makes me like Seth, though, is that he's willing to make fun of himself. If only the Oscars would do the same.

Random Musings on the Show**:

I feel dirty for enjoying Daniel Radcliffe and Joseph Gordon-Levitt so much.

I wonder if Seth really does have a crush on Sally Field?

Oh God, Jaws music. Would be hilarious if it wasn't totally evil.

I mean, a Bond tribute is more important than winner's speeches?

Why is Nicholson there and sitting in the front row? Is it just because he's Nicholson?

The Avengers guys are funny.

Why does Bradley Cooper's mom look so pissed off?

I hope Clooney really drinks the booze.

Musical numbers for the win. Who cares if two of them weren't relevant?

The Winners:

Christoph Waltz is so classy, I am perfectly happy that he won. I love that the Brave director was wearing a kilt. More men should wear kilts to the Oscars. I'm not sure how I feel about the hot pink tights on the make-up lady. I like them, in theory, but this isn't the Grammy's. To be honest, I never get very passionate about the technical awards because I think all of them tend to be supremely talented.

I love you, Anne Hathaway.

Okay, I went to sleep sometime after Anne won and before anything else exciting happened. I am sorry that I didn't get to see Adele and Quentin win their Oscars because I was rooting for them. I'm not sure why I root for Quentin, because I don't tend to enjoy his movies. But his obvious nerdy craziness appeals to me.

It's fine that Daniel Day-Lewis won. All that obsessive commitment should count for something, I guess. Naturally, I was rooting for Hugh - I'm sure he did the best job, even though I haven't seen all the other movies. Jennifer Lawrence winning is fine too, because I really like her. I have no idea if her movie was good or if she was actually better than Naomi Watts, who was supposed to be so amazing in her movie. But I assume the Oscars are just as subjective as prom courts.

Anyway, I am pleased that Argo won. Not only because it's one of the few contenders that I actually want to see (and I knew they wouldn't give it to Les Miserables, though that would have pleased me more because Les Miz rules, dammit) but because I love Ben Affleck. I have loved Ben for years, even when he was in lousy movies.










*And Captain Kirk agrees with me, which means I'm totally right about this.
**I took notes while I was watching - these are actual quotes from them. Probably funnier than anything I actually tried to write.