Now I'm Afraid To Go Apple Picking

I went to bed early last night. Since I'm getting up 2 hours earlier than I usually do, that would make sense. But of course that's not really why I did it. It's because I've gotten this horrible cold and I'm pretty sure it's trying to assassinate me.

I mean, Lovebug told me I needed to rest more. He even took the recycling out for me yesterday. Clearly I sound like I'm dying. Hopefully sleep will cure me.

Since my regular late night friends (What? I'm sure if Jon Stewart and Chelsea Handler knew me we'd all be friends) weren't on yet, I had to flip between House Hunters and Taboo.

Taboo was a big mistake. I mean, it was subtitled, "Private Passions", so you can't blame me for watching it. I thought it would be about vibrators and other sex toys.

Wouldn't you think that? Even if you weren't a little high on cough medication?

But no. One segment was about "puppy play". . . . where one part of a pair acts like a dog and the other is a handler. The human-dog person plays with real dogs and other human-dogs and I think some of them get off on it? I don't know, I flipped back to House Hunters before I found out.

I love House Hunters.

Anyway, the only other segment I watched was about these people:

Photo Courtesy of National Geographic Channel

First of all, they are fruitarians. That means they only eat fruit because you have to "kill" vegetables to eat them. Which, fine. Your business. More bacon for me. 

Second of all, they get turned on by fruit and seem to make out with each other whenever they are eating it. Again, fine. Consenting adults, yada yada. 

Third of all, they are also freegans. So the fruit they eat and use in their sex play is coming out of dumpsters. Not fine. Not fine at all. I agree that we waste too much in this country but eating (and inserting? Not sure how far they go with the fruit fetish) food jumbled next to dirty diapers and cleaning products? No thanks. 

Fourth, she makes them dress and wear their hair the same. I don't even like it when couples wear matching sweatshirts. 

Fifth, they would not stop making out on camera. Not appropriate for people over 40 30 20. If you want to do porn, I fully support your right to do that. If you want to make homemade sex tapes, go for it. But if eating fruit makes you so horny that you have to make out with your loved one every time you do it, don't do it on camera when someone is asking you questions. Please. 

Sixth, they'd like to find other people to join them. They want a fruitarian/fruit fetish commune of like minded people to have dumpster rescued fruit orgies with. They are surprised they haven't met more like-minded people. I'm sorry they don't have a community, but honestly? I'm pretty relieved that this isn't a common thing. 

Can you imagine going apple picking if it was?