HugMonkey bit one of his preschool teachers last week. Hard enough to draw blood. She stopped him from going after another kid who had a toy he wanted and. . .
I thought we were done with the biting.
Whoops.
I just came home from a meeting at the preschool and I can't stop crying. He is "taking a break" from preschool until he "improves his self-esteem" and is seen by our pediatrician, at least. The pediatrician was like, "If it's been getting better and he was already frustrated when this happened, you don't have to come in." But I do. Because he basically can't go back to school otherwise.
And I get that, I really do. I've been bitten by a student (sure, he was 6 and also throwing chairs, but he couldn't come back without a medical evaluation either) and I know that they have to protect the other students. And the teachers. But they didn't tell me that he couldn't come back to school until this morning. And while it's totally unacceptable behavior, it's not uncommon in kids his age.
So why do I feel like such a failure?
I feel like this is all my fault. Like if I were a better mother, my kid wouldn't be biting. Or I should have known he wasn't ready for school or potty training or whatever. But Hugmonkey loves going to school - he wants to go more often. Or he did, until that fateful day. That morning he didn't want to go in. And he's very proud of himself for being potty trained. I don't know what to think. He did fine at camp this summer, which he went to every day. Although he didn't have to be potty trained for that. He does get aggressive at tot drop at the gym on occasion, but never like that.
We're trying more carrot and less stick around here for the aggressive behavior, which seems to be helping.t Especially since the day this weekend when he asked me, "Mommy, am I a bad person?"
Talk about your heart breaking.
I am so torn and confused about what to do. We're visiting the pediatrician tomorrow. We're taking the time off from school. We're focusing on rewards, not consequences. But I don't know what to do about school if/when he does go back. Does he need a different program? Do we need to modify this one? Was this just a one time freak out? Will he get treated fairly by the teachers when he does come back? (Like I've said, I've been bitten by a student. I didn't treat him differently, but I know I felt differently.)
11 comments:
I wish I had some brilliant advice to give. All I know is this: You are not a failure. And HugMonkey is not a bad person. Given the right situation, we could all bite someone, you know?
This may sound odd, but, is he getting enough saturated fat? Sat fats are essential for proper hormone production and are huge for moods. It won't help how he reacts to his frustration, but it might help his getting to that point.
I know it sounds crazy, but some kids are more sensitive to their diet than others. For example, vegetable oils are highly inflammatory, and I personally get really cranky when I have too many inflammatory foods. Also, if he has an allergy or an intolerance to some food, it may cause him to lash out rather than, say, break out in hives.
Maybe it has nothing to do with any of that, but I do know that diet can play a huge role, and that intolerances don't necessarily run in the family. Maybe keep an eye on what he's eaten on the days that he bites people and see if there are similarities?
Sorry to hear about this new development. It sucks. I wish I had some good insights to help you make a decision but I would feel as lost as you do right now. On the plus side, that question he asked shows he knows what he did was not right. I would be even more concerned if he didn't ask it.
Oh wow, I am so sorry you're going through this. You are NOT a bad mama and he is NOT a bad kid.
I am shocked that a school would choose to handle the situation like this. Kids bite, it happens all the time. To kick a kid out for it is ridiculous and could be indicative of the way future issues will be handled.
Is he around the 3 1/2 mark? They talk about the curse of the halves and it is a time of big developmental change which could spur acting out.
Poor Hugmonkey and Mama, I wish I could give both of y'all a big ole hug.
I know someone already said this but I think it bears repeating: you are not a bad mom and he is not a bad kid.
My kid went through something similar -- we did therapy (on threat of being kicked out) and it helped. Most of her problems were with one specific kid and teacher and in combination with therapy and a change in classrooms she did much better.
Diet, sleep, etc., all of that plays a part...every kid is different...I hope you find what works for you guys.
I wish I had advice for you on this. Stay strong, you're a good mommy.
I know it's hard to take
but my sisters kid did the same thing
in fact till they figured out his issue he was kicked out
of a preschool
in the end it was his way of telling other kids to back the hell off who were trying to bully him.
Good thing is they don't do it forever
and I have no doubt yiur an excellent mom
ps I had to go private
if your interested in reading me please send me your email
thekittycat1969@gmail.com
peace
I don't have any great answers on this either but if you were to blame, you'd have three biters instead of one! Kids have the personalities and propensities they're born with, I am more convinced of that all the time. He won't still be biting when he's 25...hard to be patient while he grows out of it, but the day will come.
You know what? I (whispers) hated 3. Three sucked monkey balls and last March, when my third turned 4, I did the biggest happy dance possible. No More Threes! I look at other parents parenting three, and I shake my head gently and tell them how much 3 sucked, how bloody hard it was. True story.
I know you mentioned something about focusing on rewards rather than punishment, and I do have a suggestion, from a parenting class that made a lot of sense to me and also echoed a friend's experience when she was evaluated in a classroom. What worked for me was learning to giving my kids as much positive feedback as I can, and I'm talking 20 times a day or more. This was infinitely more helpful than rewards which don't really build up the kid (in my experience) and changed how mine saw themselves almost right away. The positive feedback I learned to do was things like noticing how much they like to colour, that they are making circles and lines and what colours they are, how helpful/fast/focused/funny they are when they pick up their toys with you or by themselves, how happy they look doing something or how confident, quiet, strong. Positive feedback is not praise (which I give, but only when I have to because it is obviously genuine) so I don't tell them that I like every drawing, that they are "good" kids, that their work is amazing (unless it is). The theory behind this is that rewarding/praising a kid makes them hungry for more and the absence of it when they expect it feels like they aren't good, aren't good enough. Whereas noticing them enjoying themselves (a) notices them in a good place and (b) verbalises an emotion or good feeling they are experiencing. (Examples of that are, You feel happy when you are swinging on the swings.)
But as usual, I'm writing up a free-for-all storm of words. By now you know I can't help myself. I hope you don't mind.
My friend said that when the evaluator critiqued her for not giving a kid with troubles a significant amount of positives, she was surprised until she saw the evaluator do it herself. She was surprised how much positive feedback could be packed in for a kid who needed to hear good things reflected back at them.
For the first year, this positive feedback thing seemed kind of forced to me, but eventually and especially when I saw the payback in the way my kids changed, I became sold enough to try to sell it to you.
And btw? You. Are not a terrible mother. Maybe it is even harder for teachers to have a kid that does the stuff that is least desirable because before they had kids they judged the parents of kids like that. (Okay not you but my sister who really got hers when she became a mom. Not only did she totally trash the parents of the kids she was teaching, but also my eldest sister who started having kids a good mmm 10 or 12 years earlier than my second and fourth sisters.) You? Are an awesome mom who is doing the best you can to navigate the waters with a kid who (oops!) bit someone. Like the above poster said? He likely won't be biting people at 25 and if he does, hopefully it will just be playful! ;-P
Thank you, thank you, thank you for all the support and suggestions. I'm going to update what the heck is going on very soon - it's all okay - but I just want all of you who commented to know how much it means to me. Thank you.
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