Signs of My Impending Breakdown

I'm about to go off the grid for a week.

Well, not really. There will be electricity and water and such. Thank God.

I will sleep in a real bed, watch satellite TV and drive to Wal-Mart if I need something. But I will have no internet access.

No internet, people.

And my phone?

Motorola Backflip. AKA big disappointment.

 My phone doesn't even work half the time I'm in the "superior" coverage area, so it's not going to work when I'm in the merely "satisfactory". So the phone isn't going to be much help.
I feel like I've been slacking on the internet anyway, what with trip prep and actually cleaning my house* and my awesome date night. But there's a difference between slacking and. . . .

NO INTERNET.

I love my in-laws, but I might love them a tiny bit more if they had the internet at their house. Rather, I might love visiting them more, you know? It will be great to see a few friends and visit my favorite restaurant west of the Mississippi . It will be fun to watch my kids with their other grandparents and great-grandmother. It will be relaxing to not feel compelled to post/write articles/read blogs when I'd much rather be playing on Twitter or Facebook. Except, of course, I will not be able to play on Twitter or Facebook.** Instead I will be imagining or scribbling scenes like this:

A chubby brunette woman who could totally pass for 30 35 steps up to the podium and says, "My name is TripleZmom and I'm addicted to the internet." The crowd cheerfully responds. She takes a deep breath, perhaps finally ready to tell her story, "I. . .I. . .dammit, I don't have any notes. You know why? Because I didn't have a keyboard and my handwriting has become atrocious. I need a fucking keyboard! How am I supposed to tell my story if you won't let me have a keyboard?" 


Her sponsor steps forward, reminding her that she needs to avoid temptation and that she can speak from the heart. The sponsor, it must be noted, has the leathery tan of someone who spends a lot of time outside and the sinewy grace of someone who does a lot of yoga. TripleZmom stares at her, envisioning a future where she too can do yoga and have a natural tan. Then she remembers that the sponsor also spends a lot of time cleaning her house. 


"You know what? Almost everyone I love is on the internet. My writing is on the internet. I've gotten paid for being on the internet.  I even keep track of my exercise on the internet. This addiction isn't hurting me or my family. And frankly, I don't give a damn how much it hurts my housework. I'd rather be traumatized by a week away from it than never have it at all. So who wants to go to the Apple store with me?" The brunette strides out of the hall, followed by nearly everyone in the cheering crowd. Eventually even the sponsor slips furtively out the door. 


I think my internet withdrawal is already starting. Have a fabulous week!***


*Okay, the WHOLE house isn't clean. But a lot of it is - I mean, I scrubbed floors and everything. How do people do that every week? Ugh.

**Please, please, please like my page on FB while I'm gone and/or follow me on Twitter and/or join with Google Friend Connect (in the sidebar) and/or sign up for my feed (top sidebar) and/or ease my week-without-internet pain in some way. I will do it for you when I come back, if I haven't already.

***If you are thinking about robbing my house, please keep in mind that all of our electronics are at least 5 years old, we have an alarm system, nosy neighbors, booby traps and all my good jewelry is coming with me.