Search Term Fun, Part Deux

A long time ago*, I wrote a really bad short story using all the search terms people used to get to my blog. Apparently I used to be way more creative. Since there's a whole new crop of crazy out there, and the search terms are even more weird, I thought a new story was in order. Again, all spelling mistakes and grammatical misfires are part of the original search terms.

Boobs

"Megen Macdonald Fox 212", the card read. He looked at the smiling woman in front of him. She did not have 42 triple z +boobs, she didn't even have boobs that scare people. But she was kinda hot. He smiled back at her and put the card in his pocket. He would never call someone who worked at Fox News, but there was no reason to let her know that. That was one of the few dating insights he'd taken to heart at that seminar in California.

He leaned over and whispered in her ear, "You'd be so much hotter if you worked at ESPN." The truth was, she'd be hotter if she had triple z boobs, but she looked a little too secure to go for that kind of insult. He grinned at her, letting the insult/flirt combo he'd learned at the seminar work its magic. . .

Suddenly there was a cry from the stroller. Dating with a 2 year old had its challenges, that was for sure. That was why he'd just started going for sex only, though with 2 exes pregnant in clogs he'd had to be a lot better about protection recently. He popped a pacifier in the kid's mouth, patted her on the head and grinned expectantly at the heppy hot mom in front of him.

"You should know that I got fired from preschool because all the other children were afraid of me. I had to have tutors until college. My ex forced me to have a kid, and now he's dead. My son is so busy being a 2 year old not wanting his mom that he now lives with Triplezmom. Now I, Megen MacDonald, work for Fox because bias means ratings. I love dental dam and I wouldn't sleep with you if you paid me. I gave you the card because I need a new personal assistant and I heard you had a blog on crime," she said forcefully.

He felt verbally assaulted and slightly turned on. He wondered if she'd want that dental dam plastic wrap he'd bought by mistake. "I even know about the blogher kis our sass 3m conspiracy," he said in a confidential tone. Soon he'd owe 3 women child support, he needed all the jobs he could get. "I'll call you on Monday. I would love to be your personal assistant." And see your boobs, he thought to himself.

"Stop thinking about my boobs, asshole, " she said before she stalked off.

*Two years in blog years is like 20 real years, right?