6/09/2011

Hey Neighbors, Are You the Jackholes, the Idiots or the Grossly Overprotective?*

Today's missive from the new Superintendent of Schools made me realize that it may be time for me to move the kids to a yurt in Mongolia.

We had a half day today because of the heat. It's 100 degrees, and most schools around here only air condition their offices (and doesn't that just say a lot about educational priorities?). So, you know, it's damned hot with 25 bodies per unair-conditioned room. The superintendent had to reassure the parents that they did not make this decision lightly. I suppose that was to appease all the jackholes bitching about how they went to school all day when it was a billion degrees, yadda, yadda. We also thought seat belts were  for flinging our action figures and that only Evel Knievel needed a helmet.

Then the superintendent had to promise us that our children would be allowed plenty of water breaks and would not do any strenuous physical activities. I guess that was to reassure the parents who believe that all teachers are dumbasses who would stage a dodgeball tournament on the hottest day of the year or something. Or maybe it was for the parents who never allow their children to experience any kind of discomfort or unhappiness.

Whichever the case, I really don't want my kids to mix with kids whose parents are jackholes, idiots or grossly overprotective. Those overprotective parents produce some mean-ass kids, let me tell you.

The superintendent didn't touch on the other issues I have with parenting in suburbia, but I'm sure he would have, if not for all the parents listed above. For example, he might have mentioned that even if you spent your last pay check buying your daughter 10 pairs of Ugg boots, you still shouldn't let her wear them to middle school on the hottest day of the year. Or he could have let them know that it's not cute when your 5 year old shakes his glass at the restaurant server instead of asking for a refill. Possibly he could just say, "Not all of your children are gifted. Or future professional athletes. Deal with it."

As much fun as it will be trying to figure out which parents the superintendent is trying to placate with each new letter, I'm thinking the yurt might be better for my children's future mental health. Herding the sheep (or is it goats? I confess my knowledge of Mongolia comes from a few reads through a children's atlas and one episode of House Hunters International) will teach them the value of hard work, being constantly at a linguistic disadvantage will make sure that they never become arrogant and if Ironflower wants to wear Ugg boots all the time, it will actually make sense.

*Do you think people would be offended if I asked them this at the next PTA meeting?

1 comment:

silken said...

maybe I will join you in the yurt neighborhood!! our shools are the opposite-letting out if it ices or threatens to snow. just goes to show what each part of the country is equipped to deal with. Dealing w/ those parents though, that's another story!