Do I start with THE AWESOME BAND?
Do I start with the hugely long backstory, as I so often do?
Do I explain that May has been Mental Health Awareness month and that the Band wants to bust some stigmas?
Do I just say it?
I am the face of depression.
In my head, depression is a huge canyon. There's my life before I acknowledged it, on the one side, and it's littered with nightmares and panic attacks and fantasies of suicide. In college, I fell all the way to the bottom of it while I finally dealt with being molested as a kid, family issues that aren't mine to tell, getting pregnant the first time I had sex, the subsequent abortion and an experience with a "friend" that just crossed the border into date rape territory. I started cutting, bingeing and continued with my high school faves of drinking too much and making myself vomit. I spent time in therapy, crying, writing, punching pillows and talking to amazing friends, and I got better. I climbed part of the way out, then fell in love with my first husband, who became very emotionally and verbally abusive. I fell a lot closer to the bottom again. Then I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis and went back into therapy. I nodded when my ex threatened to leave. I wrote. I threw myself into teaching. I made even more amazing friends. I eventually met Hot Guy.
I eventually made it to the top of the canyon. I'm on the other side. I thought it would be all sunshine and roses here, but it's not.
Sometimes shit happens and the canyon beckons, telling me that I don't have to face anything, that I can just sleep for 16 hours a day and make myself bleed. That it will be easier to feel a generic self-hate than to acknowledge what's really going on in my head. Sometimes I still binge. Sometimes I still smoke. Sometimes I still drink too much. Sometimes I don't even notice the roses. And then I realize that I'm on a ledge in the canyon and there's climbing to do.
Every day that I am honest and aware and gentle with myself takes me farther away from the edge of the canyon. Every day that I am comfortable in my own skin takes me farther away from the edge of the canyon.
I am terrified to post this. I am afraid people will feel uncomfortable with me. I am afraid people will judge me. I am afraid family members will be ashamed of me. I am afraid that I sound crazy when I talk about the canyon. I am afraid that certain people in my town will read this (not that they read my blog now, but who said fears had to be rational?) and be even snottier to me than they already are.
I also know that this is the only way I can build a wall between me and the canyon. Of course, the canyon will still be there. Depression is something I'm always going to have to live with. But every barrier I put between me and the canyon will help me to not fall in again.
So I'm coming out. Because shame is like a mudslide straight into the canyon.
16 comments:
You rock sister! For putting yourself out there and grabbing hold of the reigns. Thank you for sharing this. Thank you for being brave.
You are so very brave for sharing your story. It was insightful and emotional. I hope this was a liberating experience for you and that it helps you to heal.
*hug*
No way will people be uncomfortable, judgemental or ashamed. Instead, we are enormously grateful and thankful for your honesty. For in sharing your story, you give the rest of us courage to share our own. And solace in knowing that we are NOT alone. We love you.
"That it will be easier to feel a generic self-hate than to acknowledge what's really going on in my head."
Whoa. I've never made this connection before, but you're right on the money.
So proud of you, lady.
xoxo
As someone who has spent a lot of time in that canyon.....let me tell you that you do not sound crazy at all.
You are strong and amazing!
Thank you, thank you, thank you. I don't think I could have written this without the Band and I really needed to write it.
Bravo for having the courage to write and to post this amazing, insightful post. You've captured the depth of depression beautifully - it IS a canyon. I'm so glad you're here - you are amazing, strong, resilient and inspirational. Thank you for sharing your story.
The things you have lived through! You are a woman of substance and you prove it every day. I'm glad to know you.
thank you for speaking out and telling your story. I totally agree with the mudslide... it keeps us in the canyon or right on the edge. speaking out has become empowering for me. *HUG*
You rock kiddo! If you ever need a boost out just give me a call.
*hugs*
I just wanted to tell you all thank you again. I appreciate your support more than words can say.
I'm so sorry, Jen. :-( Mine was more like a suffocating pit with the edge just out of reach. I could see the green grass and the blue sky which was completely maddening because I couldn't reach it! I still have to watch trigger conversations and topics, because it's too easy to fall back, though it's getting better as time goes on.
I too have depression. I also have PTSD and a milder version of OCD. I appreciate you talking about your depression. It makes living with so much mental illness a teeny bit easier knowing that there are others who are fighting the good fight. You don't know me, and it probably doesn't matter much, but I am proud of you and glad to call myself a fan of your blog. Keep your chin up!
I second all that was said before my comment...thank you for sharing your story. I think many people deal with their own canyons even if things did not happen in their life that were as hard to deal with as the things you have faced and overcome (overcoming). it is hard to admit some of the things we feel, and that is one thing I have always appreciated about your blog-your honesty. I hope you keep distancing your self from that canyon and continue to grow and bless your family.
I simply love you. You're not alone. Plenty of us have been there. Plenty of us are still there Jen, I think you're amazing for posting this.
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