Pregnant in Clogs

Bravo, you have betrayed me.

After hours of awesomeness like the Real Housewives of New Jersey and Top Chef: All Stars, you had to bring us Pregnant in Heels. I was just going to ignore it like I ignore The Real Housewives of Miami, but it was on last night when the guide said Bethenny Ever After would be on.

Stupid Cablevision guide.

So I had to witness the couple having the round table to help them decide on their baby's name, which they likened to "branding" their baby. After the round table of naming experts, they had a focus group. Then a dinner with their friends, where the friends all had to vote. Because why just read some baby name books and choose on your own?

All of this was organized by Rosie Pope, "the baby concierge". She also got a therapist for another couple and designed and put together their entire nursery.

Do not ever let me see this show again, people.

I know that I'm supposed to be working on being non-judgmental. I know that I may have spent 8 hours in the pregnancy book section at the Borders in Overland Park after I found out I was pregnant with Ironflower.  I know that I sat through a baby shower for a co-worker with a look of utter horror on my face, trying to imagine myself exclaiming over onesies six months down the road. I know that I should be feeling compassion towards Rosie Pope's anxiety-filled clients.

But instead I want to smack them.

When they did the little Bravo flashforward that shows what's going to happen during the season? I'm pretty sure I shuddered.

Reading the books, doing the nursery, choosing toys, choosing names, going to pre-natal classes. . .it seems that now you can hire someone to do all that for you. If you're rich enough and live in Manhattan, anyway.

And just what kind of parents are these people going to be if they can't even get over their fears of brightly colored toys or don't trust themselves to choose their baby's name? You don't get to be paralyzed with fear as a parent. You have to trust yourself.

Rosie Pope doesn't say anything like that to her clients, though. She just coddles them through things. With the help of her fabulously gay assistant and her slightly annoying lisp. I can't picture either of them turning a table over on any of their clients, much as they might deserve it. Plus, the poor woman is going through IVF, which sucks and the execs at Bravo probably thought would be charmingly ironic. Not that there's anything charming about IVF.

So I think they should let me be the baby concierge. No irony, but think of what gritty realism I could bring to the show. Think of me getting all Jack Nicholson on the parents to be: "You can't handle the truth! Babies need toys! They cry! They are not brands! You are not compromising your personality by wearing comfortable shoes, unless your are totally shallow!" They could intersperse those speeches with shots of me showing the parents how to hold the baby, how to change a diaper in the dark and how to pick the best board books.

They'll have to change the name, though. I have never been pregnant in heels and I would tell my clients not to wear heels after month 6. Clogs are okay, though.