The One Where I Tell You About Peeing

There is nothing like peeing on a train. Granted, porta-potties equal the grossness factor. And airplanes equal the motion factor. But nothing combines grossness and motion like peeing on an American commuter train. Normally this is not a concern of mine, since I rarely go into the city on the train. Besides, despite having had 3 children, I still have the amazing pee holding abilities of your average elementary school teacher (thanks, painful c-sections!).

But today we went on the Santa train. An hour and a half of riding the local commuter train and getting visits from Santa, Mrs. Claus (who had the voice and demeanor of a bitter college student, not that my boys were interested in her when they were RIDING A TRAIN, Mommy!), Elmo, Abby Cadabby and for some unfathomable reason, Gumby.

So naturally I had to pee the second we got into the car.

I think it was also a psychosomatic reaction to the last time we did a character train ride. It was with the Easter Bunny and I was in my first trimester with Hugmonkey. Do you know what a train bathroom can do to you when the smell of scrambled eggs can make you nauseous? Do you want to know? I actually ran away from the bathroom last time, throwing up in my mouth. I just could not go in. I sat with my legs crossed and suffered the entire trip.

Whatever the reason, halfway through the trip today I had to decide between crossing the legs or just facing the bathroom. Since I'm not pregnant, I decided to face the bathroom.

I couldn't open the door, of course. Even though it said "vacant". I was about to take this as a sign when a harried woman stepped out, carrying her preschooler. I apologized for yanking on the door a few (ten) times, she told me that I had scared her son. I stepped in.

It looked just as disgusting as I remembered. Like maybe it hadn't been cleaned since our trip two and a half years ago. I positioned myself and closed my eyes so I couldn't see the grossness. Fortunately, unless I am pregnant, I smell only half as well as normal people (thanks, annoying allergies!) so that wasn't a problem this time. It is also a boon when it comes to diaper changing. Unfortunately, my lack of smell does not seem to have affected my ability to taste that full fat cheese tastes really good and non-fat cheese tastes really bad.

After I peed a river (or, as I can still hear my college roommate say in her Boston accent, "I peed a RIV-AH!"), I tried to wash my hands. This is why I've always said that peeing on a train was better than peeing on a porta-pottie, fear of sudden stops notwithstanding. You're supposed to be able to wash your hands with actual running water. But not on North Jersey commuter rail. After pressing down with all my (not inconsiderable) weight for 30 seconds, I only got a trickle of water to come out. I ran back to my seat and used hand sanitizer 3 or 5 times instead.

So, in summary, there is nothing worse than peeing on a train. That's what I really meant.