Oy

I am not sure what to blame; the fact that I stayed up too late watching "Real Housewives of Atlanta" and "Real Housewives of Beverly Hills" or the fact that one of those Beverly Hills bitches has 4 nannies for 2 kids. She says it doesn't preclude her from being a good mother (I'd be the most amazing mom on the planet if I didn't have to do the drudge work of childrearing like millions of school drop offs and making endless rounds of snacks. Some might argue that those things are the point of motherhood, but I digress.) All that I know is that I am about to lose my mind.

I am not digging this afternoon kindergarten/preschool thing at all. And the 2 different schools? Big pain in the ass. Instead of of enjoying the peace and quiet each afternoon as the big kids are at school and the toddler naps, I am always trying to catch up with stuff. And I'm always waking the toddler up to go get the big kids, which does not put either of us in a good mood.

In addition to our new school schedule from hell, Hot Guy has started working an extra job. On the weekends. Plus he's usually home less during the week. Because of this, now I have to take all 3 kids with me when I want to run errands during daylight hours. I swear the deli put the "back in 5 minutes" sign up when they saw us approaching the other day.

And ChunkyMonkey has entered the "terrible twos" precociously early. ChunkyMonkey is either filled with joy or filled with rage. Mostly, when I am dragging him off playground equipment that is too big for him or dragging him out of toy stores or not letting him stay in Lovebug's preschool classroom, he is filled with rage. A mom moved away from me today at a birthday party because ChunkyMonkey had a fit that included hitting me with a car and she was afraid he'd get her too. (Unsurprisingly, I have not really made friends with any of Ironflower's classmates' moms. Or even had a conversation with them.) I remember Lovebug wearing me out like this, but when he was having a bad day we just stayed home. That's no longer an option with the pre-K and Kindergarten and dance and swimming and sports and gymnastics classes and birthday parties and trips to the park to burn off energy.

Today included entertaining the boys while Ironflower had dance and again when she had a birthday party. And seven  eight screaming, kicking, throwing tantrums.

I am tired. When my parents take the kids for the night every month or so, I feel guilty if I don't work or do housework. I have never been away from all the kids for more than 24 hours except when I've been in the hospital. Hot Guy took the big kids to Kansas City in August, and that was my vacation - a week alone with a toddler. And it did feel like a vacation.

But kinda not.

I am blessed to have such great kids and to be able to be home with them full time. But my house is a mess, I have piles of laundry around me and I have not really worked on this blog or my other writing in weeks. Every time I reread what I've written I delete it because it's crap.  I haven't been able to get to the gym very much because ChunkyMonkey (and prior to that, Lovebug) has been sick so the tot drop has not been an option. Things that should be simple turn into complicated long errands or huge pains in the ass and there's always the tightness of our budget to complicate things further.

I can't remember the last time I was able to go out to dinner with my husband, alone. Even planning for my monthly book club night out is a challenge these days. I feel like crying because everyone around me seems to manage their kids and their homes and their workouts while wearing cute shoes and smiling.

I think I might be a little depressed.