I must start by saying that I'm sure my neighbors are nice people who love their children very much. And who (fortunately) do not read my blog.
But. (You totally knew that was coming, didn't you?)
I'm not sure how I feel about my kids actually playing with their children. They gather at the cul-de-sac that ends our street. At first, I was pleased that the parents seemed so nice and so willing to share their kids' myriad toys with my kids (we live about a block up and mainly come down with our bikes and some chalk).
Ironflower was enchanted with 2 little girls, slightly younger, who share her penchant for princesses. ChunkyMonkey just loved that I let him out of the stroller outside of the house. Lovebug was not as thrilled, as one boy was too little and the other little boy is really, really into sports (What can I say? We're so afraid of becoming psycho sport parents that we've sort of forgotten to teach our kids the rudiments of T-ball. Oops. Also, we'd much rather go for a walk.)
Lovebug changed his tune when the motorized Barbie Jeep and the motorized Mustang came out. Each of Ironflower's new little friends has her own car (Did I mention that they're younger that she is? And she's 5?). Well, he did until he realized how hard it would be to actually get a turn.
Not that the girls used the cars a lot. But just because they weren't using them didn't mean they wanted to let a BOY use them. Their parents cajoled and begged and bribed and Lovebug was allowed to play. Which I thought was nice of the parents. And bitchy of the children. A bit later, one girl threw a huge hissy fit about not having the right princess shoe. She demanded them and demanded them and finally her mother went home to get them. A bit later there was another tantrum that resulted in another child getting what she wanted.
And another and another and another until my children were just kind of staring at them in fascination. When it was time for us to leave, Ironflower was riding in the mustang with one girl. Before she could get out, the girl started the engine. I followed, half jogging while I pulled Ironflower's bike, pushed ChunkyMonkey's stroller and kept an eye on trike-riding Lovebug. I told them to stop, told Ironflower to ask the girl to stop but nothing worked. The girl's dad caught up and also told them to stop.
They didn't until they were at our driveway.
Now, if Ironflower had asked, I would have been fine with this. But there was no asking ., . . .and no listening. Which is not like my kid. The dad was unsurprised and unconcerned that his daughter didn't listen and had driven off without permission. He didn't say anything to her about it, just asked her where she wanted to go next.
And I was horrified. I was horrified by the whole experience. I've avoided the cul-de-sac at peak times ever since.
But now I'm thinking. . .what if it's me? What if I"m the bitch? What if I'm being unduly harsh by giving consequences for temper tantrums? What if it's not a big deal when my kids don't listen and obey? Why should I care how they talk to me?
But I can't help it. I don't want my kids to act like that or to treat me like that. And I'm not sure if I want them hanging out with parents who do.
13 comments:
You're not a bitch. Just because a parent has good intentions or a lot of love for their child doesn't mean their influence is the right one for your kids.
.-= Leslie´s last blog ..“Because you’re the best mom.” =-.
Your not a bitch at all .It sounds like the kids rule their house (shudders) I much rather have as much control as I can , the kids out number us here ,so I could only think how bad it would be if we let them rule
It is frustrating, but it is hard to totally avoid the others. Use it as a teaching point. Have a conversation with the kids about what upset you last time and if it happens again what the consequences are. Luckily for me, the kid that I thought was a bad influence on my eldest, just as I put my foot down, moved to England. Hang in there. Trust your gut.
Angela
.-= a.larson´s last blog ..simplicity of conversation with a 5 year old =-.
do it now, before they are teens! it's hard enough even when your kids know the rules. and of course, they gotta try it if they see someone else get away w/ it….stick to to your family rules, though. when they are teens you'll be glad! :)
JerseyGirl, I have the same kind of situation, but it's with the boys' cousins (my brother's kids...yikeys). Thank god they live in Denver, but they visit often and I'm confronted with this every 8 weeks. However, there are plenty of prime examples of spoiled and misbehaving children in our midst. I'd agree with Angela above about using it as a teaching opportunity with your children letting them know about your safety concerns (riding in the street?) and the consequences when your little ones don't listen or act like primadonnas. Over time, they may see that crappy behavior and not want to hang with them either. Hopefully, it's before they are sharing detention or getting suspended from school.
I like to think the best of other parents. Don't we all have our kids best intentions at heart? I often times have to repeat quietly to myself in the midst of clueless parents, "they are doing the best they can and they don't know what they don't know cuz if they knew they were creating a monster they wouldn't do it. Amen." Perspective has it's advantages. It's easy to have an opinion, but tougher to say it to their face. I find it's easier to live by example. And if my boys ever acted out like that in front of the neighbors, I'd have it be a teaching moment for those parents about how to create well behaved children with manners and respect.
You're not (likely) going to be able to avoid them, but you may want to limit your exposure. Continue to have your kids rise to your expectations and ask them to be kind and polite when they go over, just like you would when the go to their friends' house (but even more so).
Keep on keeping on good mamma and stay true to you.
.-= NotJustAnotherJen´s last blog ..my summer with stephen =-.
Jen - You have excellent points as usual. I definitely need my own clueless parent prayer! And good luck with the cousins.
You're not overreacting at all, and the fact that your children watched in fascination/horror rather than joining in shows that you're doing a good job with them.
It's hard to know how to deal with situations like this. We've found ourselves with this problem too, so I'm glad to hear your take on it. From our teaching days, I keep in mind that although the battle may seem small now and giving into demands easy when children are young, the same battles have more dire consequences (and include more expensive wants) when those same children are older. Plus, I would much rather put my foot down now than end up resenting my child because they rule the lives of everyone in the house.
I think you're right on target, and if you can't avoid situations with these children, maybe if the interactions could happen in your house without parents, you would at least have control of the situation--if that's something you want to try.
Yeah, it seems we are stranded among a sea of parents that want to be friends with their kids rather than parent their children. And this is why the more recent generation and on are growing up with a sense of entitlement. It's a pretty shocking reality that life does not always hand you what you want, no matter that your parents did not teach you how to be or do for yourself.
One of Ace's friends never seems to get reprimanded for talking rudely back to his parents, doing what ever he wants regardless of being told not to and gets whatever he wants handed to him.
And he's a shit most of the time. Or at least used to be before he started to mature some. and I thank whatever fates have intervened and given him some maturity.
Love the new blog design, by the way. Looks great.
.-= Catoote´s last blog ..the corruption i sow with scandal & intrigue =-.
I totally feel your pain. Wish I were on the flip side - wish I had already done the right thing and was now reporting back to you on how to solve your own problem. Unfortunately, I'm in the midst and clueless.
I've been there, and it's hard. When we have these situations, I always ALWAYS take it as an opportunity to lecture my children on what would happen if they were to act like that and I always have a pop quiz at the end to make sure they're listening. It's hard to avoid parents like this, though. It seems like when you get rid of one, another one pops up. Good luck!
Tammy - Thank you. That's what I needed to hear. I'm not sure about having them over, though - I fear they wouldn't listen to me either.
Soccermom - But I blog so I can avoid real life confrontation! :) It sounds like a lot of us meet these parents. Which depresses me.
Catootes - Thank you. And so you're saying there may be hope when they get a little older? I sure hope so.
Ave - Well, I'll let you know if I discover the answer. Maybe it's being anti-social?
[...] I can tell that I didn’t do my yoga this morning. I’ve been grumpy and snappy today. I came home from a play date at the park and needed to revisit my Clueless Parent Prayer, so aptly named by JerseyGirl at Dirty Little Secret where I left a comment to one of her post about not wanting her little ones to play with the ill-mannered kids down the street. [...]
Hey darlin...I've been reading Musings of a Housewife's series on Raising Responsible Kids (http://www.musingsofahousewife.com/2010/04/raising-responsible-kids-actions-speak-louder-than-words.html) and finding it very helpful. It may work for you too. I get the sense you have a similar parenting style as me (when I can keep it together, that is).
You have been a big influence on my blogging and I was wondering if I can ask you a number of questions regarding you blog and goals. Would that be okay with you?
I'm using your line "clueless parent prayer" in a post. That was perfect!
.-= NotJustAnotherJen´s last blog ..Idol Wednesdays: a little more action (please) =-.
Post a Comment