Search Term Fun

I find myself appalled at the search terms people use to find my blog. Not so much that people are searching for such terms, but that somehow they wound up on my blog from such terms. So I thought, to welcome all of these new freaks readers, I would write a short story incorporating all of their terms.

It must have been the dirty cell phone pics, she thought to herself. If that dirty teacher hadn't paid me so much money to see my boobs, I wouldn't even know about this dirty little secret. But there was all that cool stuff to buy, so I didn't see the harm in joining the teacher pictures website in the "myboobs" section. For the money of course. But somehow the dirty cell phone pictures got onto someone else's cell phone instead of onto the website.

In a way she was lucky, she guessed. Much as I hate baby showers, the deal could have been so much worse. Approaching her ex, she wasn't sure what she'd have to do to convince him to delete the dirty pics. He certainly knew how to be an asshole. But all he'd wanted was her to go to his (basically friendless) sister's baby shower. Now she just had to participate in endless discussions of signs you're pregnant, weird signs your pregnant and how you get tribal boobs after breastfeeding.

As someone launched into the top ten signs of pregnancy again, she promised herself she'd never take her boobs out in public again. Then she watched the mother-to-be read all the cute haikus on the cards. She hadn't remembered to get a card. She backed slowly out of the living room, toward the pile of coats and purses in the hallway. She paused briefly, realizing that her actions were about to cause the women to hate the baby shower forever, but the mall had the coolest stuff to buy. She NEEDED the money.

Now they were talking about Taco Bell while pregnant. She went through their wallets quickly, just grabbing all of the cash. She also found some secret photos of boobs. She took those too. No one noticed her leave.

After a great trip to the mall, she went home and watched 18 Kids and Counting. She wondered if Michelle Duggar was rebellious when she was young. Talk about being pregnant. She shuddered at the thought of all that public breastfeeding, then went back to searching for nude photos of herself online.

*All misspellings belong to those searching. Swear to God.