On The Road, part 1

*With apologies to Jack Kerouac for an attempt to mimic his style. And apologies to readers loathing Jack Kerouac, an outline of the experience follows.

January 22nd,

We're driving and it's fine to drive with a four year old, an almost three year old and a two month and no DVD player but two Leapsters so this is going to be no problem and I can totally handle whatever happens.. . .

I am hearing a strange noise as we pull into this massive traffic jam on the inside loop of the capital beltway and I am annoyed because Garmin girl has dragged us into this mess even though she had us use the loop around Wilmington Delaware which was dumb but Hot Guy listens to her and it sounds like someone is dumping out their juice and why they hell would one of my kids do that they are better behaved than that, especially in traffic jams. The stress is emanating from Hot Guy as we come to basically a full stop and I turn around to yell at whoever is dumping out their juice. At first I just see a flash of brown hitting the floor in front of Ironflower's seat and I realize she has not dumped out her juice. . . .she is FREAKING THROWING UP all over herself, her Leapster and her carseat and I am in a fresh circle of hell as I yell this to Hot Guy and we discover that we are nowhere near a FUCKING exit and the traffic has STOPPED and how can I help my little girl and we never should have let her eat chocolate munchkins again.

Gas stations are not good places to buy extra cleaning supplies and Hot Guy better stop bitching about all the extra bags I have in the car otherwise we'd have to dig out more stuff to get the poor kid a new outfit and she's going to freeze without her winter coat and oh my god I hope there's a washing machine at the hotel tonight and THIS IS DISGUSTING and all is stained and now we are a whole hour behind.

I can't believe the traffic just keeps going and going and I hate Garmin Girl this is her job and we're in Richmond and there's still a traffic jam and please god Lovebug stop screaming I want out of my seat too oh for the love of god ChunkyMonkey you need to stop screaming too we're almost there and it's so dark.

What do you mean there's no playground here anymore that and the cheap price are the only reason we're staying here of course your washing machine's not working AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH please stop jumping off the bed kids there's not enough room and I'm terrified that you'll be hurt and the trip will get worse

it's one am and everyone is sleeping but me. . . .
now it's three am and everyone is awake except the baby. . .


I can't believe everyone woke me up except him and why is it so cold after we've driven so far south but today has got to be a better day north carolina is warmer and it's easy to find the lunch place we wanted to try I can't believe they just asked us if we wanted smoking or non and wow, I'm one of the skinniest people here I kind of like this state though I think it's funny that a Mexican family is clearly running this southern buffet .

Oh my there are a lot of cops how can we make up time if the entire police population is on I-95 in North Carolina.

Wow, I don't think there are any cops in South Carolina.

To be continued. . . .