Some Suggestions For Santa

Dear Santa Claus,

In case you haven't heard, the world is kinda going to hell these days. So I'm sure you're quite busy getting ready to help make many people's lives a little better on Christmas morning. You must be very stressed out and I was hoping I could relieve some of the burden by giving you some gift suggestions. Not for me, of course, I'm sure you already know how much I'll appreciate that winning lottery ticket. No, I've got gift ideas for other people.  People for whom it is much harder to find gifts (how come not ending a sentence with a preposition always makes me sound so pompous?).

Such as:

Madonna - The ability to accept her age gracefully. By eating, maybe. And dumping A-Rod before he dumps her.

The CEOs of the auto companies - Retirement.

Sarah Palin - Classes in history, literature, geography, biology and political science at Harvard. Or at least BU.

Billy Mays (that guy who yells on commercials) - Laryngitis.

Rush Limbaugh - Two weeks as a teacher in an inner city public school. And six months of yoga classes (could be televised as a gift for the rest of us).

Bill Maher - The ability to breastfeed so he could discover firsthand that it feels NOTHING like masturbation.

Bill O'Reilly - Humility.

Fans of Grey's Anatomy - A quick, sensible end to the Denny back from the dead storyline.

Ugg boots - The opportunity for ALL of them (and their cheaper cousins) to go back home to Australia and retire peacefully on a sheep farm, where they belong.

The Real Housewives of Orange County, New York and Atlanta - a few months as minimum wage workers living in trailer parks with no nannies, personal trainers, cooks, stylists, etc. I'm sure they'd love a chance to prove how normal they are.

David Caruso - Diamond-encrusted sunglasses.

The cast of The Hills - Either real lives or real acting ability.

Kevin Federline - A vasectomy. Possibly useful for recipients listed above as well.

Hope this helps!

Jerseygirl

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