A Cheeseburger and a Pint of Ben & Jerry's, Stat!

I like animals. I believe they should be treated humanely. But I also like leather purses. And cheeseburgers.

I've always had a middle of the road feeling about animal rights. I don't think it's necessary to poke baby bunnies in the eye to see if my mascara is safe, so I try to stick with beauty products that have been tested on people. I try to buy meat that comes from animals that were raised in a humane environment. I think hunters who don't use the animals they kill are assholes. But I also really love my black leather boots. And cheeseburgers. . .did I mention cheeseburgers? So while I'd never be a member of PETA, I always thought I understood where they were coming from. Until now.

PETA has suggested that Ben & Jerry start using HUMAN BREAST MILK instead of cow's milk and cream in their ice cream.  Even ignoring the obvious travesty of messing with Ben & Jerry's magical ice cream recipes, what the hell is PETA thinking?

Clearly, whatever genius PETA member who came up with this idea knows NOTHING about breastfeeding statistics. Or breastfeeding in general. Which is clear from this quote from their website:

Because, like all mammals, cows only give milk during or after pregnancy, in order for humans to constantly milk them, they are forcefully impregnated every nine months

So I must have imagined breastfeeding Lovebug for fifteen months without any other pregnancies? People - and cows, I presume - can breastfeed for YEARS. YEARS. But humans produce a lot less milk than cows, of course. And then we have the fact that not all human children are breastfed in this country - not even most are for more than a few months - but somehow there will be enough breast milk to supply Ben & Jerry's?

I mean, I'm a pro at breastfeeding. It's always been easy for me to supply plenty of milk. FOR ONE CHILD. And you know how cows have so much milk that you can actually milk them by hand? That doesn't really work for people. And electronic pumping isn't fun. It probably isn't for cows either, but what else are the cows going to be doing? Chewing grass in the field? A woman who pumps could be doing millions of other, more important things - hell, she could even be running for vice-president. Or working for PETA.

And really, do we need to save the cows that are used by Ben & Jerry's, one of the most socially conscious companies in the nation? Does anyone think those cows are being abused? Really? Does this mean that every single company in the world has stopped testing anything on animals and that all animals are being treated so well that all we have to worry about is whether cows like being milked?

I hope to God that this is merely a publicity stunt. Although all this stunt has done for me is make me want to buy a fur coat. And wear it while eating a cheeseburger.