The Ultimate Principle of Assholedom: There is no one else in the world but you.
Specific Rules to Help You Attain The Asshole Lifestyle:
1. Do not leave any space between yourself and the vehicle in front of you. Ever.
2. If you are walking on a busy sidewalk or store aisle and need to stop, it is imperative that you stop in the middle. Maximize the effects of this rule by making sure you are with at least two other people.
3. Never, ever, watch your children in a public play area, pool, restaurant or store.
4. When you come across a vehicle waiting for another vehicle to pull out of a parking space, make sure you cut around them and steal the space. Bonus points for indicating to the waiting vehicle that you only want to go around them.
5. Vote based on skin color, name or gender only.
6. Encourage your children to use derogatory slang for people with different religions, skin colors or races.
7. Ask pregnant women if they're having triplets.
8. Cut in line.
9. Park in handicapped and/or parents with infants parking spaces if you are able-bodied and/or your children are teenagers.
10. Be an Oakland Raiders fan (Chiefs and Broncos fans, you know what I'm talking about.)
11. Drive a Hummer.
12. Complain that your nanny only works ten hour days.
13. Oppose sex education that includes information on how to prevent STDs and pregnancy.
14. Talk about yourself in the third person.
15. Never flush a public toilet.
16. Be Dick Cheney.
17. For men only: wear a Speedo.
18. Always drive at least ten miles above the speed limit - regardless of weather, residential streets or nearby playgrounds.
19. Talk in your normal voice during movies.
20. Get a barbed wire tattoo around your bicep.
Now tell me, what did I forget?
18 comments:
21) Leave your cart in the parking lot after a shopping trip rather than walk the three feet to the cart return.
Hey! David Beckham looks mighty damned fine in a Speedo! ; )
Forget to empty your pockets before putting them in the dirty clothes. This one only applies to spouses, but whatever. My spouse is asshole. :)
Wow. I guess I'm an asshole. And, someone asked you if you were having triplets? That WAS an ass.
I want to say something about making a comment about how teaching is "only" an 8-3 job... but now that I have been a mom and know that that job is 24/7, teaching will seem like a breeze to me since I do have things like snow days, sick days and vacations. Mom-dom so far is not quite like that. Except for book club night, which rocks my world. See you soon!
I love it!!
What about: people who bounce their legs, tap things incessantly, or whistle, in tightly packed places (buses, subways, etc.) where they are ruining the trip for everyone else.
This reminds me of that Denis Leary song.
How about refusing to hold the door open for the woman with the stroller, and then sighing and tapping your fingers to indicate that she's taking way too long to get out of the door? That's happened to me 3 times in the past 2 days!
Stand as close as humanly possible to me while I'm standing in line to check out at a store. Breathe heavily and impatiently as you inch closer to me. It's obvious that I'm the reason the line is going so slowly.
Not help me when I've called customer service. Uh isn't that your job!
Decide that your child can be rude, nasty or a bully because he/she is "gifted". (I worked in gifted ed for many, many years so I don't have issues with the concept, just the concept used as an excuse to act like an a--hole).
Have your toddler pick up your phone to "talk" to the caller as they desperately plead "put your mommy on."
Hold me hostage in a conversation while my baby screams and cries and pulls at my shirt because she's starving. When I say, "Excuse me, I need to feed my daughter," tell me you have just one more thing to say. Then say ten more things.
[...] 11. Why are there so many assholes? [...]
Decide that your child can be rude, nasty or a bully because he/she is "gifted". (I worked in gifted ed for many, many years so I don't have issues with the concept, just the concept used as an excuse to act like an a--hole).
How about refusing to hold the door open for the woman with the stroller, and then sighing and tapping your fingers to indicate that she's taking way too long to get out of the door? That's happened to me 3 times in the past 2 days!
I want to say something about making a comment about how teaching is "only" an 8-3 job... but now that I have been a mom and know that that job is 24/7, teaching will seem like a breeze to me since I do have things like snow days, sick days and vacations. Mom-dom so far is not quite like that. Except for book club night, which rocks my world. See you soon!
[...] 11. Why are there so many assholes? [...]
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