The Truth Hurts

All of my life I've been fighting the truth.

Each time I did a shot of tequila, danced on a table, wore knee high black leather boots, got a tattoo or dyed my hair I was merely in denial. All the cool parties I went to, the time I spent New Year's Eve in Amsterdam, the indie film I co-wrote, the time I talked to Stone Gossard (of Pearl Jam) because we had mutual acquaintances can't negate the facts.

I have just realized that I am a complete nerd.

Sure, there was evidence early on. Whenever I had to walk home from elementary school by myself, I used to read while I was walking. But since I'd read about all sorts of fantastic people who loved to read, I was able to dismiss this fact. And all the times I stayed home to read while I was in college, I justified them because I knew how tired I'd been. I ignored how much I enjoyed organizing all of my school supplies each year from first grade through graduate school.

The first time someone actually called me a nerd - after a few boys in elementary school, who I dismissed as stupid - I was an adult. I was playing trivia in a bar. To be honest, I was winning at trivia because, well, I usually win at trivia (no, this didn't make me notice my nerdiness, either). I was appalled. Mostly because I thought the person might have a point.

I consoled myself with all cool things I'd done and the fact that I wore too much make-up to look like a nerd. I also convinced myself that I was not prejudiced against nerds - I had lots of nerdy friends. I was NOT judgmental, oh no. I even had geek and dork friends. Because I was so cool and open-minded.

As I grew older and more comfortable with myself, more and more people - people I considered my friends! - called me a nerd. It may have been the compulsive speed-reading. Or the joy I got from circling the mistakes in district handouts. Or my extensive filing system. Or the way organizing my closet made me happy. Or maybe it was when people realized that I had just as much fun staying at home reading as I did when I went out.

But I was still in denial. I was an avid reader, that was all.

After having Ironflower, when I no longer spent weekends doing shots and dancing on tables, I began to feel like a nerd. After all, I was no longer fashionable or having an exciting social life. But I blamed it on motherhood. Sure, there were mothers who were stylish and social, but I decided they all must have nannies or something. So I embraced my yoga pants and style from the Lands' End catalog and my Friday nights spent reading. I was merely going through a nerdy phase. . . .that I had no intention of ever ending. But still, I wasn't a NERD.

But this morning something happened. Something that cool people just don't do. I . . .I wrote down all the movies I wanted to see from the Entertainment Weekly summer movie preview on a post-it, which I attached to my color-coded family calendar.

That's kinda nerdy, isn't it?