Ironflower, Lovebug and I go to the library every Monday. We don't usually go to the small library in our town but to a library with an amazing children's room (Goddess bless the powers that be that made the county libraries a consortium). It's virtually empty on Mondays, which I really appreciate. (No, we don't go to story hour. It's hard for Lovebug and Ironflower to focus on the stories/crafts when they could be socializing and the times always conflict with naps and/or Ironflower's school. Plus, you have to sign up and where nametags and stuff. I hate that.)
Since the library is virtually deserted, however, we are very recognizable. Everyone who works there knows us. And the nanny who occasionally comes in with her small charge recognizes us too. Normally this is not a problem. After many humiliations at the library in Kansas City and our local library, I have finally figured out how to handle the whole enterprise without tantrums.
Er, usually. Yesterday Ironflower lost it at the library. Because, as she put her coat on, it got stuck on her head. And instead of letting her struggle for ten minutes and scratch her forehead with the zipper, I helped her. So she started screaming. And I snapped, "I was just trying to help you and if you don't calm down I'm going to put your hat on too." Not my proudest - or wisest - moment. Her response was to start pushing me. While still screaming. The entire library could hear us and the nanny was watching us.
Telling her repeatedly to calm down and that I'd only helped her a bit and that wasn't she embarrassed about throwing a temper tantrum didn't neutralize the situation. She kept screaming and pushing and all skills I've ever had as a mother or a teacher flew out the window. I probably should have just grabbed them both and left, but I felt bad leaving a mess and I didn't think Lovebug deserved to lose all the books he had chosen simply because Ironflower had lost it. I turned her around and basically put her in a restraint hold (had to learn that when I had some crazy students) so that she would stop pushing me. Then I told her that she would not push me and that she needed to stop. I reminded her that she was three and there was no reason to have a tantrum over a little bit of help.
I probably repeated all of my admonitions a thousand - or ten - times. Finally she stopped screaming and settled into crying. I gave her a brief hug, then got up to pick up all the toys Lovebug had taken out again during her fit. She started screaming again that she needed a hug.
I contemplated ripping my hair out. I wondered if I could escape out the door to the reading deck. I thought about using Lovebug's headbanging trick. I said, in the most agreeable voice I could muster, "Come and get a hug, then we've got to finish cleaning up so that we can leave." Ironflower wailed something about not being able to walk. I quickly picked up the toys and went over to give her an (admittedly desultory) hug. I try never to deny the hug thing. Then I told her it was time to go to the check out. I could feel the nanny's eyes on my back, but when I turned to smile she looked away. Ironflower wailed, "I don't want to walk!"
"Well, I have to carry the diaper bag and two bags of books. I can't carry you too. You're going to have to walk." I said it as calmly as I could because what I really wanted to yell, "Why the fuck are you acting like such a brat?" She glanced at me, made a pouty face and started walking. She asked to stop and look at the fish while I checked out, to which I agreed. Magically the fish turned her into a normal child again. We had no more problems. Except the smirking of the librarians, the wide berth the nanny gave us and the odd looks from the other patrons.
(Lovebug was around during this whole time, but he just did his own thing - Thank God).
So, is she insane or am I? And does anyone have any tips on what to do next time? Or to prevent them altogether?
8 comments:
I think that PG is spot on. These sorts of things are normal and a non-reaction is the best reaction. If she was melting down on a regular basis I would rethink my strategy but it sounds like you handled it well. And the Nanny? I think that she was avoiding looking at you to make it easier on you. The smirking librarians? Probably thinking (fondly) back to the days when their own kids did that.
You know, everyone has days like this. The stares are either from people who don't have kids or who are thinking "Thank God that isn't me right now!"
Kids are worth it! by Barbara Coloroso is my favorite book on dealing w/ child craziness...it's worth a read if you have the time & interest.
I hear the 3s are like this. I think it's just the age. I'm already getting snippets. Mine is suddenly defiant, too. Good luck. And, the library peeps just think your kids are normal. Of that, I'm sure.
I'm kinda with everyone else here - tantrums are normal for little kids. You can't prevent them from happening, you can only manage the situation.
And it sounds like you managed it just fine.
I wouldn't worry about the Nanny either. They're not all like that horrible perfect TV nanny. Some of them are just as clueless as to what makes kids tick as we are. She was probably avoiding looking because she thought her charges might take notes and join the 'fun'.
Hi Jersey,
They always said 'terrible two's', but mine always seemed to get rowdier around three... I think that's the magic age when they start to assert some of their independence... or maybe they've just figured out how to push our buttons better.
No parent ever judged another for this type of meltdown unless they were A. Jerks (I'm thinking a much worse expletive, but you get the idea) B. Their own children are infants and they just don't get it yet, or C. Someone else is raising their children for them and they still don't get it.
I think every kid tries one of these at some time or another and the thing that I find is if the behavior is not rewarded it will stop. You'll notice the kids whose parents always give in to keep the little tyke quiet and so they are not embarrassed in public... their kids are still throwing fits in middle grades... Mine got a stern warning and then we'd leave (groceries in the cart/books at the library) whatever we were doing stopped and we went home. I only had to do this once, and she remembered it forever. I think the fact that her little brother didn't get to play longer (we were at the park that time) actually made her feel worse... and when she calmed down we talked it over and that was punishment enough...
I think you handled the whole thing fine... if you need to, though, taking them out of the situation can be a great way to handle it for both your embarrassment and their own disciplin...
Merry -As always, great advice and insight! Next time we will leave, I think.
I can only ditto what everyone else has said here. I am only leaving this comment for moral support! hang in there! definitely NORMAL!! :)
I'll tell you what Julia's piano teacher told me just yesterday, "She's not being bad, she's being three." Julia has moments like that, too. Especially lately. I think you handled it beautifully!
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