I just discovered a wonderful blog called Stirrup Queens and Sperm Palace Jesters. It deals with infertility, pregnancy loss and adoption and is an amazing resource for people going through those challenges. The sidebar has the longest blogroll I have ever seen, filled with blogs talking about people's struggles to become parents. As I read it, checking out a few blogs here and there, it was all I could do not to run upstairs and kiss my children. (Which would have woken them up, so I didn't. Barring natural disasters and other dangers, there's no way I'm waking them up. Because while I may be feeling joy at their existence, they would be feeling annoyance at being woken up and instead of a touching scene of love and cuddling, there would be tears and crankiness.)
I did not have Ironflower until I was 33. Not super late, but not exactly early, either. And I thought I would have trouble conceiving her. Because I was in my thirties. Because I was a smoker (I quit when I was pregnant - calm down). Because it seemed that all the mommies I knew had spent time "trying", charting their cycles and propping their legs in the air.
Instead, Hot Guy and I got lax about birth control. We were living together, engaged but not in any rush to make it legal. And surprise! Along came Ironflower. I spent the first trimester in a state of shock (when I wasn't too nauseous and tired to have any emotions at all, of course). I felt a bit like an impostor, not having even tried to get pregnant yet. But by the time she came along we were (sort of ) ready for her and for parenthood.
When Ironflower was 11 months old, we found out I was pregnant again. Four months pregnant. I hadn't had a regular cycle, what with the breastfeeding. My clothes were tight, but I'd attributed it to the chocolate I was eating to deal with the horrible conditions at work. The weird tummy flutterings? I assumed they were gas. Really. (I have ulcerative colitis and weird feelings in my tummy are pretty normal for me)
So I actually got pregnant with Lovebug while trying NOT to get pregnant. After the shock, and having to admit to the world that I was four months pregnant and HADN'T NOTICED, a whirlwind of activity began. Thus Lovebug was not forced to wear his sister's pink clothing or sleep in a purple butterfly bumpered crib.
But I began to feel guilty. Why had it been so damn easy for me? Why was I so blessed? I felt bad when talking to people who were struggling to conceive or adopt. I wanted to apologize, to say I'm sorry it was so easy for me. A little part of me always does.
But finally someone pointed out to me that if I wanted to feel guilty about something, I could also feel guilty about the fact that I get (more than) enough to eat, that I have a nice place to live, that I can walk, that crazy militias aren't roaming my town, that I don't live in a war zone. . . . . .
And so instead of feeling guilty about things I can't control, I'm working on feeling blessed. All the time, not just when I'm reminded of it. Even when Lovebug humiliates me in the grocery store, I am blessed. Even when Ironflower's whining makes me want to bang my head against a wall, I am blessed.
8 comments:
What a lovely post. We are blessed, aren't we. I didn't have Jessie until I was 32 and like you, we never we really intended to get pregant (I found out I was pregnant the month after we got married and I believe it happened on our wedding night) but like my husband likes to say "twice a day for 28 days and somethin's gonna stick". LOL!
I never really felt guilty about it, though I started my family a little earlier than most of my friends. I was 24 when I had my oldest, her brother followed 2-1/2 years later, and I had all three by the time I was 29. I didn't think it was that odd, but looking around it really kind of was. My path was a throw back to the generation before - by the third one I got a lot of, "You're pregnant AGAIN!!!???"
Then a few of my friends had some problems conceiving, not so bad that they couldn't - but they had procedures and planning and a year or more of worries before they got pregnant.
I don't think there's room for either judgement or guilt in parenthood - women tend to heap enough of this on each other without going for the juggular with their offspring. The moms around me who waited until later were able to build their careers first - some are staying home for a while, others are back at work and juggling full time work with full time mommy-hood. I went the other way, and am just starting to work on my career ten years later than everyone else. I think we'll all wind up at the same finish line regardless, and you have to choose the path that's best for you.
But I like your message of feeling blessed. You can't feel guilty over not having another's difficulty, you can only lend an ear or helping hand when you can.
As one of those women who struggled with IF (six rounds of IVF to conceive our twins), I am touched by your post. I never hold "easy" conceptions against my friends, but I always hope that they (along with everyone else who has children) realize how blessed we are to have them in our lives. Definitely don't feel guilty- looking at it from your perspective is much more productive. I'm really glad you took that away from the stories you read, and I think you sound like a wonderful, grateful mommy no matter how "easy" or "unexpected" your pregnancies came.
Kathy - Your husband definitely made a good point. :) Thank you.
Merry - You are so right. Especially about there being enough guilt and judgment in parenthood. And thank you for sharing your story.
Mama - Thank you so much. I'm so touched that you appreciated it.
blessed indeed! great post!
Definitely blessed. Thank you for the shout out. This is a beautiful post.
This truly is a beautiful post. We are blessed to have children.
Julia was a complete suprise. Our miracle baby, as she was conceived while I was on birth control. (99% effective? I experienced the 1%.) Still, I wouldn't change it. She came at the right time. Sometimes I don't know as much as I think I do. But this pregnancy didn't come as easy. And after a miscarriage before this pregnancy, I spend a little more time counting my blessings.
As one of those women who struggled with IF (six rounds of IVF to conceive our twins), I am touched by your post. I never hold "easy" conceptions against my friends, but I always hope that they (along with everyone else who has children) realize how blessed we are to have them in our lives. Definitely don't feel guilty- looking at it from your perspective is much more productive. I'm really glad you took that away from the stories you read, and I think you sound like a wonderful, grateful mommy no matter how "easy" or "unexpected" your pregnancies came.
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