Guilt Makes You A Better Parent

Do you remember that time you ate Brie before you knew you were pregnant? Or that time you let your husband throw away "The Best Odds" pregnancy diet because it was making you cry (this actually happened to my cousin)? Or how about that glass of wine you had while you were nursing?

If you are a good mother, you bet your ass you do. Now SOME PEOPLE would have you believe that guilt is detrimental to maternal health. But we all know that good mothers feel guilt as soon as that double line shows up in the pregnancy test window. Especially if conception occurred after a few too many glasses of wine. Or if you're not at your ideal weight. Or if your version of breakfast is a double shot of espresso. Or if you watch too much TV.

But pregnancy guilt, which prevents you from doing wild and crazy things like eating too much fish and/or having that Diet Pepsi that you REALLY need, has nothing on mother guilt. Because while most pregnancy issues are suffered by the mother alone (okay, yeah Dads, I know you suffer too, but it's just not the same) as soon as that baby is pushed out through hours of labor or through a surgery where they have to rearrange the middle part of your body (oh yeah, can't forget labor guilt, can we?), everyone has a visual reminder of your transgressions.

If the baby cries a lot, it's because you're nursing/not nursing/not nursing enough/co-sleeping/not co-sleeping/swaddling/not swaddling/using a swing/not using a swing/using a pacifier/not using a pacifier/using the wrong kind of pacifier and so on. And knowing that the baby's happiness is entirely your responsibility inspires you to read all the books, hang out in the mommy forums and try everything to make sure that your baby is happy.

Then, of course, your baby's mental capacity is entirely dependent on . . .you. Are you talking to her enough, playing in a stimulating way, getting him the right toys, banning television or propping the baby up for Baby Einstein videos, providing social interaction and unique experiences? Obviously, if you make the wrong decisions here, your child will become the next Paris Hilton - except without the large inheritance.

As your child grows so does your guilt. When your child throws a tantrum in the check-out aisle, everyone in Wal-Mart knows it is your fault. If you were the perfect mother, this would not have happened. If only you had gone back to work/not gone back to work then your child would always be happy. If only you had had time for Mommy and Me yoga then your child would be calm and serene.If only you'd had the money to buy all the brain stimulating toys recommended by Parents magazine then your child would never kick and scream obscenities in public.

It is because of the crushing guilt that we must feel all the time that we strive to be better parents. Sure, it may strain relationships with other mothers when you consistently judge them but that's a small price to pay for your child's perfection. And sure, it may be hard to have any self-esteem when all you do is feel guilty, but your feelings don't matter anymore. Guilt is now your natural state. Embrace it.

This blog inspired by The Blog Exchange. My worthy adversary for this month's debate is Niki at ImpostorMom. She and I struggled with what to debate and since we're both so sweet and non-judgmental, we decided to go to extremes.