It's not like I didn't have good intentions. After a lovely hour and a half at the DMV yesterday, I took the kids to the park. The kids did not actually have a horrible time at the DMV, what with the snacks, the people to play peek-a-boo and exclaim over their cuteness (to which Ironflower responded, "I know."). I got my new license and the new license plates (better late than never, right?) and we drove to the nearest park.
This park has a lovely sandbox, lots of swings and two climbing areas. One of the climbing areas is adult-sized, I swear to Goddess. Ironflower can climb only parts of it safely, so the deal is that when we go to this park without Daddy we only do the swings, sandbox and toddler-sized climbing structure.
All was fine until Lovebug realized that he was hungry and needed to leave RIGHT AWAY. Snacks would not do. Ironflower could not care less about lunch, so I had to bribe her to leave. I suggested to Ironflower, as a compromise, that she could do a bit of climbing on the way to the car. She took this to mean the super-sized climbing structure. I told her she could climb on the actual climbing wall (since I can reach to the top of it and Lovebug can be entertained at the bottom), but Ironflower had other ideas. She ran to the most dangerous ladder and started going up. Lovebug, seeing his chance to leave slip away, began to cry. I asked her to come down. She kept going. I told her it wasn't safe and that her brother was upset and I needed her to get down RIGHT NOW!
No dice. So I lifted her off, right before she got too high for me to reach. I tried to explain why I had taken her down as I picked up Lovebug to comfort him. Ironflower charged at me and started hitting.
In two and a half years of parenting (and ten years of teaching), I have never hit a child. I smacked Lovebug's hand once when he wouldn't let go of Ironflower's hair, but that's it. We don't hit in our household. Ironflower has never been spanked or even hit by another child (Lovebug is a hair puller and the few playground brats we've met have been pushers).
So I did not smack Ironflower when she started hitting me as I held her sobbing baby brother. I did not push her away. I did not start screaming at her. I did pick her up (and not very comfortably, she is too big to grab with one hand and get onto my hip these days) and march out of the park. As I stormed to the car, I repeated that it was not okay to hit and that she was showing me that she couldn't handle the park. I told her that she was being a bad girl.
In short, I lost it. I can't believe I said the "bad girl" thing. It doesn't teach her anything. I feel like all of her future self-esteem problems will stem from this episode. But the other part of me says that my children are not going to grow up thinking it's okay to hit when they're angry.
What I can't believe is how angry I felt. It was gone before I even pulled the car into the garage but it was sure ugly while it was there. I think I need a mantra before this happens again.
3 comments:
If you find a mantra that works, please post it. I understand completely how awful it feels to be so angry in that moment.
The other thing I find in situations like this is that the little ones bounce back within minutes... sometimes the sameminute... but that it takes me much longer to calm down from having been that angry. I just don't naturally change emotional gears that fast. But I am trying to catch up.
My almost 9-year old son doesn't remember the actual incident of me pulling his door off the hinges & putting the knob into the wall (in one terrifying fell swoop) when he was 4. Perhaps it will come back during adult counseling, but for now he's over it (I, however, have chosen not to repair it as a reminder to take deep breaths and walk away from impending insanity). Haven't thought of a mantra myself yet - maybe "Don't kill them, prison is worse..." Too cynical?
If you find a mantra that works, please post it. I understand completely how awful it feels to be so angry in that moment.
The other thing I find in situations like this is that the little ones bounce back within minutes... sometimes the sameminute... but that it takes me much longer to calm down from having been that angry. I just don't naturally change emotional gears that fast. But I am trying to catch up.
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